Tags
cheating, infidelity, lies, long distance relationship, long distance relationships, love, relationships
“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
My dear readers who have followed my blog from the start will know about my relationship before A, however for all recent followers, just a quick recap, so they will understand this post. Before I met A, I had a long distance relationship with an American living in State Washington called X. We had known each other, for many years, as close penpals and mailfriends and in August 2011 I flew over so we could meet. On that holiday we fell in love (or so I thought at the time). On my next trip over I found out that X had lied to me and that he had another parallel long distance relationship with a very young girl from Finnland which had been going on for years and he had even seen her shortly before I flew over there. She, too, knew nothing about my existence and was equally shocked and heartbroken. Several months after this discovery and breaking all ties with X, he contacted me and asked for forgiveness, me being happily with A by then emailed him back saying I had forgiven him. We had since stayed in very lose casual contact and remained Facebook friends.
Last night however I received a message from him, stating he was back in touch with the Finnish girl and he had to delete me off Facebook, so she wouldn’t see we were in contact.
It has left me stunned and speechless. I was really hoping he had learnt from the past, from the hurt he caused and learnt that lies are never an option. In particular as there is nothing for the Finnish girl to worry about, if she went on my Facebook profile, she would quickly learn that I am in a happy relationship, expecting a baby in few weeks time. But when I email him back and say exactly that he shows no understanding. What is more he justifies his action in “not wanting to hurt her”. Which is exactly how he justified his lies at the time we found out. There was a conversation we had I still remember, where he very much put the blame for his cheating and lies on me, on “not wanting to hurt “, on saying I was insecure and he wanted to spare me any more insecurities.
I considered sending him a long email, explaining my views, how I think he is doing the same thing over and over again, but I have decided it would be a waste of my time. He won’t change his ways if he hasn’t learnt from the past. I have nothing more to say to him and I have blocked him from my Facebook. Likewise I considered sending the Finnish girl an email, warning her, telling her about this message and X deleting me, but then I realize I can’t save her. She has to make her own decisions.
It makes me sad because even at almost 30, I still want to believe in the best of people, still want to believe that people can change. The older I get, the more I realize how little people ever change. They sometimes might become stronger or weaker or happier or unhappier, but the core of people, it rarely changes. It makes me think of all the women in unhappy relationships, who are with men who lie and cheat, who are waiting for them to change and I want to tell them that it does not happen, will not happen, that they need to move on and find themselves somebody whose core is just right.