Tags
accident, ambulance, bad week, bouncing back, car accident, car crash, crash, friends, friendship, hospital, NHS, recovery
Four days ago I got hit by a car.
28 Saturday Jul 2012
Posted Uncategorized
inTags
accident, ambulance, bad week, bouncing back, car accident, car crash, crash, friends, friendship, hospital, NHS, recovery
Four days ago I got hit by a car.
30 Wednesday Nov 2011
Posted Uncategorized
inI continue to stumble along. This is how I would call it. Stumbling. I thought I was in a better place eating wise and I suppose I kind of am, but on Sunday I was unexpectedly confronted with my obsessive behaviour. Following a short night on Friday I had slept for 12 hours, woke up on Sunday very headachy and with the feeling I was coming down with a cold. Saturday I had been running and swimming, leaving the pool shaking because I had once again not eaten sufficiently. Anyway, on Sunday morning I spoke to a friend who noticed me sounding like I was coming down with something and my friend advised me to rest today and not to go to the gym. Which I promised I would do.
Half an hour later I am starting my exercise programme in the gym when my phone rings-same friend ringing to ask if I am at home to come round for a cup of coffee. At which point I had to confess where I was. It was a somewhat bizarre situation, I felt like an alcoholic who had sneaked out to get a bottle of vodka. I had a long chat with my friend, having to admit that I have some sort of “issue”. I suppose my eating habits are okey(ish) but therefor I have this strict and rigid exercise scheme of which I dont allow myself to miss a day. So I know it’s not perfect and I cant deny I have lost weight. I cant ignore the stares and comments. I cant ignore my own distress and how I plan my days and nights around my exercise regime.
It will be interesting to see how I will manage once I am in the US next week. I have hope that it will help me. Mr C loves food and cooking and I did enjoy both cooking AND eating immensely when I last visited. So I am hoping that I will be able to manage okey. I do not want him to notice anything and also I genuinely want to get better and not have a relapse.
When I climbed out of the pool on Saturday, shaking and feeling on the verge of fainting I was remembered what it really is like, the ugly face of the eating disorder. And I am certain that I do not want to go back there. Ever.
What is more I have so many positive feelings in me lately, aspirations and dreams and I know the only way to fullfill them is to say yes to life, yes to food.
24 Thursday Nov 2011
Posted Uncategorized
inTags
anorexia, anorexia nervosa, eating disorder, family, friends, long distance relationship, long distance relationships, love, recovery, thanksgiving
Yesterday was a really good day. I got a lot of positive feedback in a meeting, but even before that I felt really positive and strong. I feel that really I can achieve anything I want if I only let myself. This also made me realize that starving and exercising like a maniac will only stop me. And keep stopping me. It numbs my feelings and distracts me from my fears. But that is the things, it numbs and distract, it doesn’t really fight and extinguish them. It is running around the hurdles instead of jumping them. I was very honest with myself yesterday and I realized that I have been avoiding things for months. Every night I come home from work and I spend my time in the pool or gym or out running. I plan everything around this, panic if I do miss a night. Really what I should do is get into a “normal” routine, like a normal person, maybe exercise three times a week and spend the remaining time in pursuing my dreams and my life. Go out and make new friends. Things like this. I know I won’t change everything overnight, but I have made a start. And more than ever before I know exactly what I want in life and I feel the strength and energy to pursue it. Today is Thanksgiving. Me and my temp roomie are having a Thanksgiving celebration tonight. I am very excited. On Thanksgiving, naturally, you think and speak about the things you are grateful for. I am grateful for so many things-for living in this great country, for my job, my health, my travels. But most and foremost I am so grateful for my wonderful friends and family. Their light and love are always surrounding me, no matter what and I am incredibly grateful for it. It is only a week and a day now until I will see him again. If I am being honest, yes, I am scared. But again, I need to let myself feel this fear. And the other thing I realized is that I cant let this break me, If it will take a negative turn. I know so strongly what I want and I’ll have to tell him and if he wants something else than so be it. It won’t change who we are.