Tags
accident, ambulance, bad week, bouncing back, car accident, car crash, crash, friends, friendship, hospital, NHS, recovery
Four days ago I got hit by a car.
28 Saturday Jul 2012
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inTags
accident, ambulance, bad week, bouncing back, car accident, car crash, crash, friends, friendship, hospital, NHS, recovery
Four days ago I got hit by a car.
26 Thursday Jan 2012
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inTags
belief, broken heart, cheating, friends, heart break, heartbreak, infidelity, long distance relationship, long distance relationships, love
They say it’s a freeing feeling when you realize things can’t get any worse.
He had the chance to spare me a lot of humliation and hurt when we spoke. I told him that the other girl was going to send me an account of their story and would he like to tell me some thing first? No, he didn’t.
I have to read it all in an email. Find out they’ve had an on/off relationship since she was 16 (!). 8 years. He saw her last May. When we were planning me coming over. We were talking every day then. Exchanging hopeful, romantic emails. I ring my mum who says “He is a bad person.”
I ring my friend, who was visiting me and is going back today. She sounds as shocked as I feel. “Oh my God.” she says. “I think I am going to be sick.”
I laugh. My friends and my family are the most amazing people on earth. I thank God every single day for their existence. And I know it is them that will keep me from crashing, from losing faith in humanity. It is for them that I will fight and become a better person.
13 Tuesday Dec 2011
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inTags
cheating, friends, friendship, long distance relationship, long distance relationships, love, relationship, relationships, secret, separation
We woke up and treated each other like grown ups, polite and nicely.
I skyped to a couple of friends, we could not really talk because I did not want to be overheard, but it didn’t matter. I just wanted to hear the voices and they made me laugh. (“Cough once if you are okey and cough twice if you are not.”).
X and I went for a walk and sat down on a bench and just when I thought we would forever pretend to be these super polite nice grown ups he asks “and how are you?”. I say “Well, I am glad we talked, but I don’t feel it has really brought me any answers.”
So we start talking again.
The conversation goes roughly like this:
Me: So this girl who sent you the texts, she is the girl from Finnland?He: Yes.
Me: So when was she here?
He: Last autumn.
Me: Last autumn?
He: Yes.
Me: What kind of relationship did you have?
He: Well we toyed around with it.
Me (cringing at the word “toyed around”): So when you wrote me this letter saying you’re hoping to be with me one day and you want to wake up and fall asleep next to me each day you were sleeping with her?
He: Sigh.
Me: Does she know I am here?
He: No, of course not.
Me: No, of course not.
Me: so why does she not know I am here?
He: Because I didnt want to let it go:
Me: Because you didnt want to let it go? (I need to stop repeating everything he says and put a question mark at the end.)
You know what, I say to him. I have a friend whom I told all about you a couple of months back and he said “this all sounds like he is having somebody else in his life too”. And I said to my friend “No. If there is one thing I am 100% about it is this. He would not see someone else and not tell me. He is my friend. He knows me better than I know myself. He would not do this to me. We have always been so open and honest, that’s what I love about us”. And fuck, he was right.
I say “How would you feel if things were the other way around, wouldnt you be upset?”
He hesitates. “Yes, but I think humans and relationships are complex.”
Me “Complex? (stop repeating what he says. now.) Well not for me. For me things are quite straight forward and I dont have several relationships at the same time.
I am just in complete disbelief. The whole time. And still now. Surely this cant be happening.
I am trying to change my flights and they won’t let me. Fuck fuck fuck. I cant ring my parents because of the time difference. I am ringing my person. Her voice, far away through the phone lines. And yet I hold onto that voice. She is there, she is real, she is my friend, I am not alone. I can do this. I can do this.
24 Thursday Nov 2011
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inTags
anorexia, anorexia nervosa, eating disorder, family, friends, long distance relationship, long distance relationships, love, recovery, thanksgiving
Yesterday was a really good day. I got a lot of positive feedback in a meeting, but even before that I felt really positive and strong. I feel that really I can achieve anything I want if I only let myself. This also made me realize that starving and exercising like a maniac will only stop me. And keep stopping me. It numbs my feelings and distracts me from my fears. But that is the things, it numbs and distract, it doesn’t really fight and extinguish them. It is running around the hurdles instead of jumping them. I was very honest with myself yesterday and I realized that I have been avoiding things for months. Every night I come home from work and I spend my time in the pool or gym or out running. I plan everything around this, panic if I do miss a night. Really what I should do is get into a “normal” routine, like a normal person, maybe exercise three times a week and spend the remaining time in pursuing my dreams and my life. Go out and make new friends. Things like this. I know I won’t change everything overnight, but I have made a start. And more than ever before I know exactly what I want in life and I feel the strength and energy to pursue it. Today is Thanksgiving. Me and my temp roomie are having a Thanksgiving celebration tonight. I am very excited. On Thanksgiving, naturally, you think and speak about the things you are grateful for. I am grateful for so many things-for living in this great country, for my job, my health, my travels. But most and foremost I am so grateful for my wonderful friends and family. Their light and love are always surrounding me, no matter what and I am incredibly grateful for it. It is only a week and a day now until I will see him again. If I am being honest, yes, I am scared. But again, I need to let myself feel this fear. And the other thing I realized is that I cant let this break me, If it will take a negative turn. I know so strongly what I want and I’ll have to tell him and if he wants something else than so be it. It won’t change who we are.
21 Monday Nov 2011
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inTags
anorexia, anorexia nervosa, eating disorder, ex, ex boyfriend, friends, long distance relationship, social work
I manage to feel normal for the biggest part of the day. I go to work and everything is pure madness. As usual. Which ironically is when I feel normal. When I can manage the madness around me and am distracted from the madness inside me.
My manager comes in late, I have a cup of coffee in my hand, she walks towards me and says “Put this down”. I put the cup down and she gives me a massive hug. For the first time since the funeral I feel I am allowed to cry. But again, I dont. The hug makes me feel safe and strong though.
I eat. I eat almost like a normal person. I have my sandwich, my strawberries and my apple.
I go home and start making my dinner, my exboyfriend from uni, A, texts me and tells me about his new girlfriend. We start talking. It is weird, for so many years after the break up we didnt manage to get on and now that he has somebody new we are ridiculously close and overnight he has become a Class A friend to me. I leave my dinner and we talk on skype for a little while. As soon as he sees me he looks frightened and asks if I have lost weight. And he goes on and on about it. The fact that the most unsensitive man on earth notices my weight loss should worry me. But for some reason, the opposite happens and I won’t have my dinner at all. I deflect his questions and tell him about the boy I worked with who died. I had a lot of stress, I say. We talk about his girlfriend and I enjoy our chat.
What’s up with you and T then he asks? I dont know, I say. I love him. But I am scared. Scared to find out we will want different things.
For a split second I forget to put on my brave face and actually admit that I am scared. Then the brave face comes back on. It’s fine, I say. I’ll be fine. I’ll be okey. LIAR.
Just go, he says. Go and enjoy the time with him and see what happens. It is surreal. When we were in a relationship a lifetime ago, we could never talk about feelings and things. And there we are, exchanging relationship advice.
I say Bye and go swimming for an hour. I havent had anything to eat since lunchtime. It doesnt matter. I am light like a feather, I can do anything I want, I dont need food, I dont need anything, I am fine, fine fine.
When I am back home I get a text from A .
“Hey Sweety, I really think it’s great how we get on so well out of a sudden. At least that’s how it seems like to me. And I meant it-you can call me anytime to talk. And I think you are right, when you loved somebody you’ll always carry that person in your heart. You’ll always be an important person in my life. I hope you’ll be better soon and that you’ll find happiness and be able to live your love. You are great. Dont forget that. And you have friends whom you mean a damn big deal to. Take care and dont let the world get you down. Goodnight. PS: And eat. Eat!!!”
22 Saturday Oct 2011
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inIt is an incredible gift in your life when you do have a person.
A person is that one friend that understands and mirrors your soul, that one friend you don’t need to talk to to communicate, this one friend that always believes in you and forgives your faults and still loves you for everything you are. A person is that one friend you want to share your news with immediately, good or bad. A person is not just a person, it is a place where you can go to when everything else is lost, when the chaos is raging around you. A place where you’re understood and accepted, always.
My person lives far away and yet she is always with me, on every journey, on every difficult day, at every challenge, at the start of every new chapter I open.
It gives me so much strenght and courage to know she is there for me, no matter what.
I dont know what I would have done without her in the last year especially.
I am wishing that every person in the world has a person in their life. It makes it so much better.